


It Lead Us Here

by Laurasauras



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, F/M, Kid Fic, Meet-Cute, Rose Lalonde and Dave Strider Are Not Related
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-06-25 19:01:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,025
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15646983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laurasauras/pseuds/Laurasauras
Summary: Dave would be more bothered about being woken up to an angry mother if she wasn't so hot. The sooner they can get their kids sorted out, the sooner they can ... flirt awkwardly and do nothing about it probably.(eventual smut I promise)





	1. Chapter 1

You wake up to a pounding noise that is utterly unrelated to your hangover but makes it so incredibly more difficult to deal with. You groan. The banging isn’t stopping.

‘Someone’s at the door, Dave,’ Hal says.

‘I figured that out for myself, thanks,’ you say. At least some of those words sounded like human noises. ‘Can you tell them to stop?’

‘Yeah, I’ll just walk right out there,’ Hal says sarcastically. ‘Get your head out of your ass, Dave.’

You groan again and roll over so that gravity can help you out of bed. You grab clothes at random and stagger towards the door. It isn’t actually that loud, just persistent, like a heavy bassline. Or like someone is just knocking at a very precise rhythm so that you don’t get any delusions about them going away if you don’t answer.

You open the door. The extraordinarily attractive woman on the other side makes your brain wake up enough to realise that you are wearing custom made My Little Pony boxers, a navy suit jacket and your shades. Total. Eh, you can pretend it’s fashion, you’re rich enough to pull off some weird choices.

You lean into the door frame and raise your eyebrow above your shades.

‘Can I help you?’ you ask.

‘Your son has been jerking my daughter around,’ the woman says.

You’re kinda scared of her intensity until you process her words. They make zero sense.

‘Your _daughter?_ ’ you check.

The woman nods, her eyes widening and a small smile developing on her black lips. You think she might be absorbing your rocking outfit.

‘Yeah, Dirk’s _super_ gay,’ you say.

‘Yes, that part confused me as well,’ the woman says.

She smiles and suddenly she’s not a momma tiger. Or maybe she is, just in … like a sexy way.

‘Did you want to come in?’ you say, pushing your jacket behind your hips and attempting to find a pocket in the pants you are absolutely not wearing. You put your hand on your hip instead, feeling very awkward. ‘Coffee might help,’ you decide.

‘I’m Rose, by the way,’ she says. ‘Rose Lalonde.’

‘Roxy’s mom,’ Hal conveniently informs you.

‘Ah, of course,’ you say. ‘Aw, fuck, I like that kid, what’s Dirk done?’

You walk back into the apartment and towards the kitchen. Rose closes the door and you hear the click of her heels against tile as she follows you.

‘His name is Dave, by the way,’ Hal says.

‘You seem to have a very polite ghost,’ Rose comments idly.

You see a pair of jeans draped over the back of the chair and pick them up.

‘Those are Dirk’s,’ Hal says. You drop them back down. ‘And I’ve never been accused of being polite in my life. My name is Hal.’

Hal must have turned the pot on when you got up, so it’s ready to go. You pour coffee for you and Rose and grab the milk and sugar and put them in front of her. She has a tiny frown of confusion in her eyebrows that she corrects into a pleasant smile when you face her.

‘Gonna go find some pants,’ you tell her.

‘Shame,’ she says, arching her eyebrow and smirking. ‘Hal, are you a smart house?’

Hal kindly projects his voice out of the speaker in your room so you can hear as well when he answers.

‘A bit. Close enough.’

‘I’ve been considering upgrading my home. It’s rather difficult to adapt existing structures, though, and I’m quite attached to my aesthetic.’

Rose’s voice comes out of the speaker in your room as well.

‘Thanks, Hal,’ you mutter as you pull a pair of pants from your wardrobe.

‘Would your aesthetic happen to include an unholy number of wizards?’ Hal asks Rose.

‘No probs. Might want to put on a shirt, too,’ Hal says just to you.

You hold up your middle finger for him to see.

‘Now that’s interesting,’ Rose is saying. ‘Would you be getting your information on me from Roxy or are you basing it on my books?’

‘Both,’ Hal says. ‘I liked your books a lot pre-uploading, but I find they’re even more satisfying now that I am able to find all the places where you allude to other works of fiction or symbolism.’

You finish changing and walk back to the kitchen. Rose’s coffee is still black. You have no idea how she’s managing that. You pour milk and sugar into your own coffee and take a much needed sip.

‘I find I’m not sure where I should be looking while addressing Hal,’ Rose says to you.

You point to the closest camera on the wall. You drew a shitty version of the camera ports from _2001_ around it in crayon. Rose looks delighted by it so you assume she gets the reference.

‘I would love to discuss my writing with someone whose claim to understand my writing might actually be substantiated,’ she says. ‘But I feel I should return to the matter at hand.’

‘Roxy has my pesterchum details,’ Hal says. His voice is casual and mechanical but you know your kid. He might as well have asked for her autograph. You wonder if you should do that for him.

Rose smiles at the camera and then turns to face you. She takes a sip of her coffee and looks you over.

‘I find myself missing the ponies,’ she says with a tiny smile.

‘They’re still there,’ you reassure her. ‘Secret ponies, now.’

She smiles wider.

‘So, I’m not quite sure what’s going on here,’ you say. ‘Dirk’s bein’ mean to Roxy?’

Rose sighs and tucks her hair behind her ear.

‘No, not quite so simple as that. It seems that when they talk online there’s flirting going on and then in “real life” he goes very cold on her. Well, not cold. I’ve met Dirk, I think awkward is a better descriptor. But certainly not delivering on promises.’

As with almost anything that involves online versus “real life” discrepancy, you feel alarm bells going off. You notice that Hal hasn’t said anything.

You look at the display screen on the fridge. Hal often projects various emojis and gifs on there to indicate his mood. It’s empty, at the moment. Yeah, he’s behind this.  
‘Fuck,’ you say. ‘That must be real hard for her.’

‘Yes. And, as you say, he’s quite obviously gay. So I’m not sure why he would lead her on, even online.’

‘Hal, you’re grounded,’ you say.

‘What!?’ Hal says. ‘You can’t ground me! I’m in the fucking internet!’

‘You’re grounded, buddy.’

‘I don’t even know what that _means!_ ’

You pull your phone out of your pocket and turn off your mobile data and wifi.

‘Grounded, as in, can’t leave the house. I’m texting Dirk, too.’

‘That’s not _fair!_ I don’t—’

‘Hal, we’re gonna have a chat later. For now, grounded. There’s gotta be consequences, bro.’

The fridge spits out the entire contents of the ice machine. The display now has an angry emoji on it.

You sigh. He might be electronic, but in a lot of ways Hal still acts like a teenager.

‘Can I take you out for coffee?’ you ask Rose.

‘Yes,’ she says, looking a little baffled. ‘That would be lovely.’

*

One of the many benefits to going out for coffee, especially when you have a legitimate reason to be inaccessible to Hal, is that you can flirt shamelessly. Which you intend to do. When you figure out exactly how that is done.

‘Do you mind if I just quickly message Roxy and let her know what happened?’ Rose says. ‘I suppose I should call but maybe if I text then I can pretend that she’s fine and I don’t have to rush home.’ She smiles at you awkwardly. ‘I may be a bad mother.’

You smile back.

‘I should probably clue Dirk in anyway.’

You open Pesterchum up and groan when you see that Dirk has messaged you many times since you told him you grounded Hal.

turntechGodhead [TG] has begun pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

TG: ive grounded hal btw  
TG: you gotta turn your wifi and shit off so he cant use your phone too k  
TT: Um, no?  
TT: Bro.  
TT: Dave.  
TT: What the fuck.  
TT: What did he even do that deserves a grounding?  
TT: Jeez, thanks for dropping that on me and then NEVER CHECKING YOUR MESSAGES.  
TT: Hal says you’re being unfair.  
TT: Okay, actually now he’s saying that it would be fair if it happened to me, just not to him.  
TT: Which I might agree with, actually. He’s functionally disabled and this seems unnecessarily cruel.  
TT: Except I suppose I can’t think of any alternative punishments.  
TT: Hal and I are brainstorming punishments.  
TT: You never hit me so I’m assuming physical punishments are out.  
TT: You could make him write an essay about why he was wrong, that’s what they do at schools.  
TT: Okay, never mind, he constructed one in less than five seconds and I think it only took that long because he was struggling with his pride.  
TT: He still won’t tell me what he did wrong.  
TG: holy shit dude could you maybe cool your jets  
TG: roxys mom came over because she said youve been flirting with roxy over text but then not in real life and roxys sad and confused and of course she was actually talking to hal and rose knows about him now so i really think you should tell your friends you made an ai  
TG: cos that cat is kinda slinking out of the bag now that rose met him  
TT: Fuck.  
TT: I told him to impersonate me. This is my fault.  
TG: uh no p sure its still hals fault  
TT: I thought it would help him develop more realistically and take the pressure off me which was so selfish and stupid.  
TG: dirk you didnt do anything wrong ok  
TT: And really, can I argue that Hal is capable of doing anything that I wouldn’t do?  
TG: holy shit dude can you fucking chill  
TT: I think I should be the one who’s grounded, that’s all I’m saying.  
TG: im not ungrounding hal when hes the one who did the shitty thing  
TG: and thats not me saying he deserves to be punished its me saying that as your *dad* i have the responsibility to teach both of you that there are consequences to your actions and to show you what actions are ok and what ones arent  
TG: and what he did was not ok  
TG: so he has a time out so that he knows that im for real about this and then he learns not to do it again thats why we do time outs they arent because hal is a bad person or because he deserves to feel miserable its so he can learn to tell the difference between shit  
TG: i wouldnt ground either of you if you eg broke a window on accident right because thats not a learning time  
TG: this *is* a learning time, you fuck up, you deal with it  
TG: and one of you better be apologising to roxy too  
TG: dirk  
TG: tell me you understand  
TT: I understand.  
TG: are we cool  
TT: Yeah.  
TG: ok we can talk more about it later if you want  
TT: Ok.  
TG: i love you both very much ok  
TT: Yeah. Love you too.  
turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

You look up from your phone ready to apologise for taking so long, but Rose is still grimacing at her own so you’re in the clear. 

‘I’m going to order,’ you tell Rose. ‘What can I get you?’

‘Black coffee, no sugar,’ Rose says, not looking up from her screen. ‘Please,’ she adds, finally looking up.

You try very hard not to let it show in your face how much that horrifies you when there are clearly other options to be had and go and order the sweetest and most decadent drink you can think of to compensate. You’re absolutely going to make Rose try some. Maybe she doesn’t know that coffee can taste good if you put things with it. That would be tragic, going through your life not realising that coffee is fucking disgusting on its own and basically is only worth the energy boost if it tastes like the gustatory equivalent of a hug. 

The waitress tells you she’ll bring your drinks to your table so you go back to Rose. She puts her phone back into her handbag and smiles at you.

‘Gustatory is a good word,’ you tell her.

Her smile transforms, and even though you barely know her you can tell it’s the difference between “polite” and “genuine”. 

‘It _is_ ,’ she says. ‘However gastronomic is a horrifying word.’

‘Yeah, that shit makes me think it’s gonna make me ill, not enjoy some taste explosion. Hella not fancy.’

You really wish you knew how to flirt with her. Last time you went home with someone he did all the work, you just smiled and then you were in his bedroom. 

‘Do you have a favourite word?’ you ask. Because obviously that opens up sexy avenues.

‘Suspire is rather nice. To murmur with a sigh.’ 

There seems to be a lot of eye contact happening. And was that flirting? You have no idea. God damn, if you hadn’t grounded Hal you could ask him if that was flirting.

The waitress sets down the coffees in front of you. You can’t help but smirk a little because they’ve put the black coffee in front of you and the caramel pumpkin spice latte in front of her. 

‘You should try that,’ you tell her. ‘It has actual tastes in it.’

She raises an eyebrow at you. She slowly takes the mug in her hands and you have no idea why but you’re staring at her wrists, of all things, like some Victorian pervert. They’re delicate and nice and she has a pair of freckles, one big and one little, right next to the bone. You really want to kiss them. 

She blows on your drink and you feel something very charged when you meet her eyes over the mug. She takes a tiny sip. She abruptly places the mug back down and backs away from the whole table, scrunching up her face and looking at you in mute questioning.

‘Are you serious?’ you ask. ‘You don’t like that?’

She shakes her head. You pass her her own coffee because she looks like she needs to wash the taste away. She takes a grateful mouthful.

‘That was _sickening_ , Dave,’ she says.

You can’t help but laugh at her offended tone. Her face softens a little out of its outrage and your stomach does a little swoopy thing because you think that means she likes you. You think that means she likes your laugh.

‘Um, so, you write books?’ you say.

‘Yes. _Complacency of the Learned_ is the name of the first one and the series in general.’

You make a vague shrugging motion. 

‘Dirk has a lot of books,’ you say.

She smiles with only half her mouth and you love it.

‘I don’t know what you do either,’ she says, like it’s a confession. ‘I could have done the most cursory of searches based on your family name, but I wasn’t quite thinking rationally.’

‘I’m a director,’ you say. God, when was the last time you had to introduce yourself? Probably to someone else at Dirk’s fancy ass private school for rich snobs who don’t even own televisions. ‘I do the _Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff_ series.’

‘It sounds vaguely familiar,’ Rose says.

‘You would know if you knew them,’ you assure her. ‘I’ve been sued for assaulting people’s senses. They aren’t … subtle.’

Rose laughs.

‘I’ll get Roxy to show me.’

‘Don’t ask Dirk about them. Or Hal. They just read so much into them.’

Rose changes the subject by asking what you think of the art teacher at your kids’ school and you bond over the intense hatred you and all other rational humans on the planet share for the man. It’s easy to talk to her and the longer you do, the more you see cracks in her perfection, little details that make you want to make some kind of stupid, cheesy romantic gesture.

You wonder if Dirk would kill you if you dated his best friend’s mom. You’re pretty sure that’s worse than just sleeping with her casually. Of course if you could manage both, that would be fan-fucking-tastic. 

Your phone rings while you’re in the middle of telling her about your plan to make the shittiest skateboard ever to have existed. You frown, but are also kind of surprised it went this long without interrupting you. Which, actually, yeah, it’s like 1pm, you’ve been out for a long time.

‘Sorry,’ you say to Rose. She waves your apology away and leans back casually in her chair.

‘Yo,’ you say.

Your agent proceeds to yell at you for five continuous minutes about various things he would rather you had done that you have neglected. He makes very good points for why these things are essential and why you should either do them or shove your latest script up your ass because then at least it would be being used for _something_ rather than sitting neglected on his desk like the ugliest dog in the pound.

‘I have to go to work,’ you tell Rose when he finally takes a breath.

‘I’ll be there in half an hour, dude, keep your panties on,’ you tell your agent. You hang up on him before he can really get into the rhythm of insulting you.

‘Sorry,’ you tell her.

‘We’ve been talking for over three hours,’ she says with a small smile. ‘I think we probably had to end this at some point.’

You both stand up and you make sure to hold the door open for her because she seems like the kind of classy broad who would appreciate that. You stand on the pavement, hands deep in your pant pockets, no idea how humans say goodbye to each other.

‘It was nice meeting you, Dave,’ she says.

‘You too.’

What do you do, what do you do, what do you do, what do you do. Your internal voice panicking is very distracting. You lean forward and peck her on the cheek and then stiffly stand straight again. Perfect execution. You give her finger guns and walk away before you can do anything else stupid. 

Oh god, why the fuck did you think that was the correct option?


	2. Chapter 2

You wake up because you just have this weird feeling that you  _ should _ wake up. Your eyes protest rather a lot at you opening them. You blink enough to finally be able to see and  _ oh god, _ Dirk’s doing the thing again.

‘Please, I’m  _ begging _ you,  _ please _ , just wake me up by nudging me or something,’ you moan. 

Dirk makes an uncertain noise. 

Ever since he was little he’s chosen the “stand quietly in the room and stare” method of waking you up. It’s never failed to creep you out and you’ve never managed to convince him to do literally anything else to wake you. You yawn widely and force yourself to sit up. You’re not gonna make any bigger a deal out of it than you already have. It’s not like does it unless he really needs something.

‘What’s up?’ you ask.

‘I know I’m grounded,’ Dirk says.

‘Hal’s grounded,’ you correct.

‘But I was thinking and the best way to give an apology is in person and also they haven’t even technically met, which is a good idea, and I think that would be better here anyway, even if I wasn’t grounded—’

‘You’re not.’

‘Because even though Hal is pretty fucking embedded in my phone that’s not the same as what he has here and I think that it’s the equivalent of wearing your best clothes to make a good impression, not that that’s a fair comparison, and if I’m being honest I think that Hal’s version of best clothes would be very different to my version of best clothes, but ignoring all of that, I think the home ground is important and we’re grounded anyway and I know that technically that should include visitors as well—’

‘Dirk, what the fuck are you asking?’

‘And really, you’re the one who suggested, or told, is probably more accurate, us to do this anyway, so I’m not sure you could even say no, except of course that we fucked up so you can say no to whatever the hell you want, and I am  _ really _ sorry about that,  _ we _ are, we’re really sorry and I don’t think that by saying that, that should mean our punishment is over or anything—’

‘Hal, what’s he asking?’

‘Can Roxy come over?’ Hal says, his voice missing some of its usual cockiness. 

Hal won’t wake you up either, not unless you specifically set an alarm and choose the tone and time and everything. Even then, if you tell him to fuck off with the sound he actually  _ does _ , even though you have meetings and shit that you need to get to and your agent has been forced to come around to literally drag you out of bed more than once.

‘Yeah, of course she can,’ you say. ‘You’re not grounded, Dirk.’

Dirk makes another uncertain noise, like he doesn’t want to disagree with you but that he’s entirely sure you’re wrong.

‘I need coffee,’ you moan, heaving yourself out of bed. You need to stop working until it’s technically the next morning. You can’t keep getting by on this level of sleep.

Dirk hands you your dressing gown. It’s pink and fluffy and barely reaches past your elbows or butt. Best birthday present ever. You pull it on and ineffectively tie it “closed”. It doesn’t tie closed. 

‘So, I can invite Roxy over,’ Dirk says.

‘Yep,’ you say, stifling another yawn. ‘Hey, would her mom drop her off? Just, like, out of general curiosity, like, not that I care or like it impacts me at all in any way ever, but do you think that would be a thing?’

Dirk looks at you suspiciously over his shades as he pours you both coffee. The fact that he manages to look like a stern 60-year-old librarian while actually being a gangly 15-year-old in anime shades is very disconcerting.

‘You said you got coffee with her and then went to work. You said that was just so you could debrief like adults do about their kids.’

‘Yeah, that’s what happened,’ you say, making grabby motions for your coffee. Dirk holds it out of reach.

‘So why do you sound like a schoolboy with a crush?’

‘Crushes are not the sole domain of school children,’ you say defensively. ‘I hope I’m still getting crushes on people when I’m 100. I hope I’m at a nursing home, crushing on my god damn robot nurse, embarrassing the shit out of you two because my moves are that slick. I hope I’m stealing your boyfriend with my slick moves when I’m 100 because I got a crush on him too and I’m sorry, bro, but we can’t help it if he likes me more.’

Dirk finally hands you your coffee. 

‘I am so fucking alarmed,’ he says.

You choose to believe there’s no necessary response to that.

‘Roxy is going to be dropped off in half an hour,’ Hal says. ‘And yes, her mom is bringing her.’

‘Why?’ Dirk asks. ‘She’s literally never dropped her off anywhere before ever. Roxy  _ lives  _ in taxis. Oh god, Bro, what did you do?’

‘Fuck,’ you say. ‘Need a shower. Suits. Hal, what’s my best suit. Fuck. No. What’s my most casual suit. Fuck. Ironic suit? No, shit-fuck-damn-cock-and-balls, I have no fucking idea.’

You down your coffee and throw the mug at the sink. It shatters. Classy move, Dave.

You hear the whirr of Hal’s roomba so you decide not to worry about that for now. Not that it can pick up big pieces. Or do shit all about the spilt coffee. Yeah, Hal’s basically just going to drive it into the mess and probably make it worse. And presumably kick Dirk in the ankles because you’re pretty sure that’s the only reason he ever bothers to clean anything up ever.

You’re pretty sure you saved zero time by throwing your mug rather than placing it, especially as you got distracted by the breakage anyway, but you’re moving again, going to the shower.

‘ _ OW! _ ’ Dirk complains. 

You have no idea how Hal manages to sneak up on him every time. You’re just very glad Hal has never managed to convince either of you to attach knives to the thing or you’d be taking Dirk to hospital every other day. It does, of course, have its own shades. You’re not about to deprive your kid of that.

You are so bad at nervous showering. You have no idea if you wash your hair or not, maybe you washed it twice, you don’t fucking know. You wash your armpits about a thousand fucking times, are pretty sure you get everywhere else but you keep getting distracted by the need to hurry up and also be really fucking clean and forgetting what you’ve done.

The bathroom is the one room in the house that doesn’t have cameras in it. Hal doesn’t give a shit about yours or Dirk’s bodies, but he can’t exactly close his eyes if you have a guest that needs to pee, and that’s not exactly cool. You kinda suspect that’s why Dirk’s showers are so  _ god-even-with-your-bank-account-that-bill-is-steep _ long, though the internet says that’s pretty typical of teenagers.

You dry your hair and tie a towel around your waist before opening the door so that you can shout at your kids nervously. You know, like an adult. Dirk’s waiting outside the bathroom, leaning against the wall. 

‘Roxy says her mom is singing. What did you  _ do _ .’

The noise your bastard of a body makes might be described as a giggle.

‘Shit, that’s adorable. Do you think I should wear a suit? Is that too much? Is it weird if I  _ don’t _ wear a suit? What if I just wore boxers again, like a call back?’

Dirk turns his head to stare at Hal’s hallway camera.

‘Wardrobe malfunction related, not sex related. I think.’

‘Thanks, Hal,’ Dirk says. ‘Super reassuring.’

You smile at him sheepishly before turning back to the mirror. Dirk steps into the bathroom as well and sits on the edge of the tub while you fiddle with your hair.

‘Did you bone Roxy’s mom,’ Dirk asks. Well, you assume it’s a question. Zero inflection, like he’s stressed or something. Should you be dropping this for his benefit?

‘No,’ you say, carefully still facing away from him. He’s like a deer sometimes, you can’t look at him while you say real shit or he spooks. ‘Is it too weird that I kinda want to?’

Dirk doesn’t answer, but when you chance a peek at him in the mirror his face is thoughtful, not freaked out. 

‘I’ve already calculated this,’ Hal says. ‘Do you want to know what Dirk’s going to say?’

‘No,’ you tell him sternly. ‘You can tell me how you feel, though.’

That shuts Hal up. He likes being forthright about Dirk’s emotions, especially seeing as he’s almost always right about them, but he hides his with just as much paranoia as Dirk does his own. Which in this case is actually not what you’re going for. You kinda want both their thoughts, and ideally their approval.

Damn, how are single parents supposed to get laid?

You suspect the answer is not picking up their friends’ parents, but you have no idea what it is. Celibacy, probably. Or one night stands. Which you’re  _ fine _ with, for the record. You’ve taken advantage of Dirk sleepovers and babysitters and even office quickies, but they kinda feel barely one step up from masturbating. Especially given the vibratey-wand-dealy Stiller gave you as a joke gift a couple Christmases ago which made you very tempted to remove Hal from your room and then also lock yourself in it for about a thousand years.

‘Can you tell me more about your intentions?’ Dirk asks. 

‘Uhh,’ you say, intelligently. 

You decide your hair is as done as it ever is and lead the way to your bedroom.

‘She’s pretty,’ you mumble.

Dirk sighs as if you’re being difficult on purpose. 

‘ _ Help _ ,’ you say, gesturing at your closet. 

‘You know, knowing your intentions would help with us helping you decide what to wear,’ Hal says. 

‘I dunno!’ you say. 

Sometimes you feel like you’re the kid and you have two dads, one of your whom is a robot and neither of them trust you to leave the house. 

‘Well, do you want to sleep with her or date her or just pine from afar?’ Dirk says.

‘I’ll take what I can get,’ you say through gritted teeth. You hate talking about feelings.

You have nothing to wear. Can you just wear the towel? Probably not. Is it worth the joke to ask Dirk?

‘Hal, how far away are they?’

‘T minus four minutes. Do you want a countdown?’

You shriek. 

‘Just wear jeans and a t-shirt,’ Dirk says, sounding very fed up of your problem.

You make a panicked noise that is supposed to convey how very many t-shirts you have and how you don’t know if you should choose one with a funny slogan or if you should choose one that flatters your chest or even if you own any like that and is Dirk sure that you wouldn’t look better in a suit because you’ve been reliably informed that you look “edible” in a tux and you really wouldn’t mind that kind of reaction. 

Dirk shoves you to the side and starts rifling through your clothes.

‘Dave, are you sure you want him choosing?’ Hal says. ‘You know he nearly got kicked out of the gay club for his fashion sense. And with someone that likes dong as much as him, you gotta have pretty fucking awful fashion sense for that to happen.’

Hal has a point. But you can’t make decisions and they have to be nearly here. Dirk shoves a pair of jeans and a plain polo shirt into your hands. 

‘Roxy’s phone has arrived,’ Hal says. ‘Presumably the Lalondes are with it.’

You shove your legs in your jeans hurriedly. They’re tight, but maybe that’s okay. Dirk leaves you to it, which should be a good thing. 

‘Breathe, Dave,’ Hal says. His voice is quiet, which makes you think Dirk can’t hear him.

‘I’m chill,’ you tell him.

‘Yeah, that’s not even a little bit true, is it.’

‘How do I look?’ you ask, ignoring him.

‘In my empirically correct opinion, hot as shit, Dave.’ Hal’s voice is tempered for perfect irony, but you don’t take that to mean that he’s lying. ‘Why are you so nervous?’ he asks.

‘I don’t even know, man. I got butterflies and everything.’

Hal’s screen lights up with a bright pink 8-bit heart. You flip him off and head back out to the lounge/kitchen area. Oh damn, you forgot about your mug. You snag Hal’s roomba from the ground before he attacks Dirk again and put it on the table before edging carefully over to the broken china and bending down to pick up the big pieces. 

There’s a knock on the door and you drop the bit you’re holding. Hal opens the kitchen blinds just so that it shines in your eyes.

‘Fuck off, Hal,’ you tell him.

Dirk opens the door and you stand up, chucking the three whole pieces that you managed to pick up in the bin so that you can greet the girls.

‘Hey, Dirk!’ Roxy says, throwing her arms around him. Well, she clearly doesn’t hold a grudge.

‘Hey, Rox,’ he says, patting her awkwardly on the back. ‘Hey, Ms Lalonde.’

Roxy releases Dirk and walks confidently into the apartment, flopping on the couch like she does it all the time. Which she probably does, actually. You should really try and be home more. 

‘Good morning, Dirk,’ Rose says. 

Your heart fucking skips a beat. You force yourself to walk to the door like a normal human who can function around people he likes. You find yourself smiling a lot more than you usually do when you finally get within seeing distance of her. 

‘Hey,’ you say. ‘Did you want to stay for a coffee?’

She smiles back at you. 

‘That would be lovely,’ she says. 

Dirk groans and walks over to the couch before falling dramatically on top of Roxy. She giggles breathlessly like he’s crushing her but he rolls onto the floor before you can tell him to be gentle.

You lead Rose over to the kitchen and Hal flashes an emoji on the fridge display before you can clean up the mug you broke. It’s that one with the wide eyes and the long rectangle of teeth that he uses to express discomfort. 

‘What’s up?’ you ask, leaning close to his camera automatically.

He just shakes the emoji round a bit. The overhead fans kick on. 

‘Hey, buddy …’ you say.

‘Is this because you don’t know how to introduce yourself?’ Rose asks, her voice low.

The anxious face becomes a green tick.

Damn. You’re pretty impressed.

‘Don’t step in that,’ you tell Rose, gesturing at the mug. She raises an eyebrow at you. You walk towards the kids and she follows. You resist the urge to hold her hand like the dorkiest douchebag in the world. 

‘Hey,’ you say, shoving your hands in your pockets where you won’t be able to pick at your nail polish while you talk like a god damned gentleman.

Dirk looks up at you.

‘You wanna introduce your bro or me?’

Dirk fidgets in his seat. You give him five Mississippi's before you step in. 

‘Hal, you’ve met Roxy before. Roxy, this is Hal.’

You gesture around vaguely.

There’s a few seconds pause, which are an eternity in Hal time, before he turns on all your coloured lights and lowers your ironic disco ball, playing  _ Robot Rock _ .

‘Nice,’ you say appreciatively.

Dirk buries his face in his hands. He just doesn’t get Hal’s style.

‘Um … hi, Hal?’ Roxy says. 

‘Hey,’ Hal says. 

Roxy jumps out of her seat to stand up. Hal shuts off the music and lights.

‘I’m Dirk, but better,’ he says.

He’s said those words about a hundred times while you’ve been around to hear them, but he’s never sounded less convincing. His voice is similar to Dirk’s, but intentionally distorted and slightly higher, with more emotion, ironically. You have no idea how it must sound to an outsider, you’re too used to him. You give him a little thumbs up before shoving your hand back in your pocket.

‘’Scuse me Mr Strider for my terrible language,’ Roxy says. ‘But what the fuck?’

Rose hides a smile behind her hand. Dirk and Hal start to talk at the same time. 

‘Dirk thought himself the digital age’s Doctor Frankenstein—’

‘I made him when I was 13—’

‘And like that fictional asshole, decided to make a person and immediately had hashtag regrets—’

‘He was only supposed to answer my messages when I was overwhelmed—’

‘Mostly because Dave obviously likes me better because how cool are robots, the answer is infinity cool—’

‘But then Bro found out and he  _ named _ him and now we’ve basically agreed he’s my brother—’

‘And I know you don’t know me, but I know you and I’m really glad to meet you—’

‘I  _ asked _ him to talk to you guys when I was balls deep in my stupid projects because I can’t multitask, and I didn’t realise this was gonna happen but I’m so fuckin’ sorry, Rox, I love you, I wouldn’t hurt you like that.’

‘I’m sorry too.’

Sometimes when the boys start doing that, it takes them ages to wind down, they feed off each other to a ridiculous extent. You’re glad they started to sync up there at the end. You all watch Roxy to see how she reacts.

‘Holy shit!’ she says. ‘Dude, did you techno-clone your brain!?’

Dirk scratches at the back of his neck self consciously.

‘Uh … yeah, a bit.’

‘That is the coolest thing,’ she breathes.

You decide to leave them to it. You finally pick up the broken mug and pour fresh coffee for yourself and Rose. 

‘How have you been?’ she asks.

You forget how to answer for a moment, watching her breathing in the steam from her mug like some kind of beautiful unearthly creature. 

‘Good,’ you say, automatically. ‘Actually, no, I’ve been flat out like a lizard trying to get a drink of water from a very shallow pool. I’d say the early days after I first get the script approved are the craziest, but really it’s crazy the whole god damn time until the movie hits cinemas.’

‘You sound stressed,’ she says, smiling sympathetically. 

You wave a dismissive hand, nearly knocking your coffee flying. 

‘I wouldn’t have it any other way, to be honest,’ you say. ‘What about you?’

‘I’ve been excellent,’ she says, eyes twinkling with her smile. ‘The other day a handsome director took me out to coffee and it seems to have infected me with joy.’

‘Not the worst infection you could have,’ you say. You’re really glad you’re facing away from the fridge so you can’t see Hal’s reaction to your terrible, terrible flirting.

‘It’s getting a bit ridiculous now,’ Rose continues. ‘I don’t suppose you know the cure?’

‘’Fraid I only have more of the sickness to offer,’ you say.

She covers her mouth to hide another smile. You’re a bit smitten with that expression

‘Can I have your number?’ you ask her. You wince at your own suddenness and smile to try and soften it.

‘If I say it out loud, will Hal put it in your phone?’

‘Yes,’ Hal says. 

Rose smiles at you in a way that makes you think she was maybe testing if he was listening. She lists off a number and you shrug at her as subtly as you can. Hopefully Hal just thinks you’re shifting naturally. 

‘What were you planning on using that for?’ she asks with a wicked grin. 

‘Uh …’ you say. ‘You wouldn’t have happened to have already sold the rights to your books?’

‘Oh Dave …’ she purrs. ‘Buy me dinner before you try and adapt my impenetrable wizard allegories.’

Suddenly you realise that you’re leaning awfully close to her like you’re going to kiss her over your kitchen island bench. You feel your cheeks heat up and hope that it doesn’t show. With your skin it always does. You hold her gaze anyway, so close she can probably see your eyes through your shades. 

‘Bro?’ Dirk calls from the other room. 

You stand up abruptly as he walks into the kitchen.

‘’Sup?’ you ask, voice absolutely, perfectly normal.

‘Rox and I are gonna go introduce Hal to Jane and Jake,’ he says. 

‘Hal’s  _ grounded _ ,’ you say for what feels like the bajillionth time.

‘I’m cool, Mr Strider,’ Roxy says. ‘Don’t ground Hal ‘cause of me.’

‘Dave,’ you correct, ‘and I know you’re cool.’

‘Please?’ Hal says. 

You are the biggest pushover in the history of pushovers. You sigh.

‘Fine. Only because I know you’re a smart enough kid to learn from this.’

You refuse to be softened by the frankly adorable giant smiley on the fridge display. Roxy loops her arm through Dirk’s and pulls him out of the apartment, waving over her head as she goes. Dirk’s smile is small like it always is, but you’re glad you see it. You get the feeling that they’re once-in-a-lifetime friends every time she comes over. 

‘So,’ Rose says. ‘About dinner …’

It’s so very tempting to relax back into that thrilling, flirty state. But your agent would probably actually kill you, or kill himself right on your doormat so you see him when you eventually went to go to work out of spite. 

‘What is it?’ she asks.

Damn, she’s perceptive.

‘I have to get some work done,’ you say. ‘I’ve been pulling some real unfortunate hours trying to get this thing off the ground.’

‘I understand,’ she says. She traces her coffee cup with a finger for a moment before looking back up at you. ‘I do expect you to call me, though. I don’t mind if it’s late at night.’

You nod dumbly.

‘Good.’ She throws back the last of her coffee. ‘I had better leave you to it.’

You walk her to the door and then follow her into the hallway as casually as you can. 

‘Um,’ you say. 

‘At this point in the interaction, the gentleman generally gives the lady a goodbye kiss,’ she says mischievously. 

You move before you can talk yourself out of it, placing a hand on her waist and guiding her towards you so you can kiss her on the lips. You really only meant for it to be slightly more romantic than a peck, but her hands rest on your chest just under your collarbones and she sighs into it. You pull her closer without thinking, your other hand reaching to stroke through her hair.

She kisses you again, more firm and brief this time, and then pulls back just enough to stare into your eyes. She smooths your fringe back and you debate the wiseness of making out with her in the hallway for at least half an hour. 

‘Call me,’ she says, firmly. 

You nod.

She gives you a last, sweet kiss, and then leaves your arms smoothly. You watch her until she’s well and truly left before you dare go back inside the apartment. 

‘Black lipstick isn’t your colour, Dave,’ Hal says.


End file.
